Here it is.

This blog will serve as a personal journal of my journey to finding myself. 2016 was a good year for me. Professionally I thrived and had the biggest income of my life. Personally, I spent more time focusing on my family and building memories with them, and I also found my passion for the community I live in. Not bad, all in all.

I made great strides into finding out who I am. But the thing always nagging at me is my health. I have a serious addiction to sugar. I know now that what I suffer from isn't a whole lot different than a drug or alcohol addiction. I wake up in the morning thinking about food. I eat at my desk all day long, go home, eat dinner, and then think about food until bedtime. I DREAM ABOUT JUNK FOOD. All the while I'm justifying to myself why I DESERVE this. I work hard, so yeah, I can eat that entire box of Hostess Cupcakes in one sitting. I've eaten fairly healthy lately, sure, I can binge on Pepsi and M&Ms. It doesn't faze me. I can eat as much as I want and never feel sick.

Yesterday I ended up in the ER with chest pain. I've struggled with my health and weight for as long as I can remember. The ONLY time I feel good is when I'm eating right and exercising. Shocking, right? But then the candy calls me...

Looking at me, I'm average. I'm your middle of the road size 12. Nothing really spectacular about me one way or the other.

What I'm learning is, my body does not like being at this weight. My cravings LOVE it. My stomach expands to hold all of that junk. But then I have extreme cramping in my legs, I don't sleep, I get the chest pains, and the panic attacks start because I'm so terrified of leaving my girls behind without a mom. And oh my goodness, do they love me. They love me SO much more than I deserve.

So this is the beginning. I'm laying it all out there. I really don't have a goal in mind for weight loss. This isn't a diet or an exercise program. This is me, starting to look at my habits and see where I can make small changes to get me to a place where I can be free. Where I don't have to have my husband take 50 photos of me before I will begrudgingly approve one. Where that angle doesn't have to be just-so and my hand on my hip to minimize the arm flab. What kind of life am I living when I'm consumed with the cravings and bingeing and can barely play with my babies??

This is me from a few weeks ago. We had just had the vacation of a lifetime with our kids on a Disney Cruise. I LOVE Disney. And yeah, I indulged in some ice cream. I also was a horrible grump most of the trip because I was exhausted and angry with myself for not being in good shape so I could actively participate in activities with my kids. My MIL took this pic of me as I was getting out of the car at the airport without me knowing. I had no time to get the pose down. LOL But I do remember that moment, thinking about how much my body hurt, how out of breath I was CLIMBING OUT OF A CAR and how awkward I felt. No grace, I just felt like a big lumbering ball that stumbled my way to the pavement.

I'm done. I'm just done feeling this way. I'm tired of being paranoid. I'm tired of literally killing myself with food.