Extroverted Introvert

I figured out over the past year that I suffer from being an extroverted introvert. I can do the things, with all the people, but only for so long before I start crawling out of my skin, seeking the quiet. I've been listening more to myself and finding that quiet when I need to instead of pushing myself and thinking there is something wrong with me. Having a name to this was half the battle and helped me make huge strides to emotional health. Just over a year ago, I needed solitude. So, I packed up and went to Florida for the weekend. And in a perfect representation of my life, I went to Disney World. Alone. And it was an amazing day because I was able to be introverted - completely alone with myself and my thoughts and not forced into interactions - I could eat when I wanted, walk around for hours, soak in the magic. I think, when my life is done, that will remain one of my favorite days.

I'm mad today. Mad at my kids, who have become selfish and always seeking the greener grass. I tried to do something nice for them with their Valentines and they fought so much that they both lost their gifts. I'm still so angry. I sat down at my desk, cracked open a Pepsi and dove into the candy. Didn't help. And now I'm even angrier, but now more at myself. I'm sad and heartbroken.

I've tried to get back on track today, but I'm not going to beat myself up any more and just enjoy today and hop back on tomorrow.

Here we go! Day 2

Well good morning! Good morning Self! Today is going to be a great day. The sun is shining!

So I was a little bit naughty last night and indulged after dinner. I've got this, right? And I ate great all day, right? A little ice cream won't kill me.

YOU DESERVE IT. Go ahead. Eat it. Then go to bed with a stomach ache and try to get some rest. hahahahahaha Oh you.

But you know what? It's okay. I'm not going to make a 100% change to my habits. I'll never make it. But I did focus on fruits and veggies more yesterday. We had steak for dinner and I ate half of what I normally would. I did eat the garlic bread, because who can say no to garlic bread?! I still want to enjoy my life. And again - this is not about weight loss. It's about FEELING MY BEST. I know that comes with filling my body with healthier choices.

I'm here at my desk, with my tea and a plan for the day. I'm here alone so some light yoga is about to go down again. Gotta get some movement back. Just praying a client doesn't walk in.

Guess what?? Mandy. This is all a part of the life you are living. You have SUCH a good life. It's time to take care of yourself. You've got this, girl.

The pic above is from a Color Run event I did with my girls in September (fundraiser for the PTO). At that point I had been on Weight Watchers for about a month and had dropped about 10 lbs. I felt SO good. I even ran part of that 5k with my kids. If you can forget about the whining from the girls 3/4 of the way through, we had a blast. The week before this, I rented a bike all on my own and rode it all the way around Mackinac Island after a conference (which was also so good for my soul). I NEVER thought I would be able to do these things. Figured those days were gone. And yeah, we were some of the last people to cross the finish line at that color run, but we did it, and we did it together. They got to see their mom participate in a healthy activity and actually have fun.

I've been taking it easy this week after the trip to the ER. I'm not super active during the day - pretty much just sit at my desk - but that is just sucking all of my energy so I've been going home and crawling into bed. I pray that spring is right around the corner so we can get outside.

Day 1 in review.

Almost to the end of the first day of small changes. And I did pretty good. Did some light yoga this morning which was laughable because my body just does not want to move anymore. It has gotten pretty comfortable in my lazy lifestyle. LOL

Food wise, I wrote down everything I ate. It's not all good, but it's written down. I still have dinner to go but it is all planned out and should be fine.

A big thing - NO POP. I generally have a Pepsi when I sit down in the morning at my desk. Most people have coffee. It's my kick in the pants every morning. But, that being said, I also love tea but I've just gotten away from it. So today when I sat down, I had my tea. And honestly it felt good to avoid that sugar rush and subsequent crash.

Around 1 pm I was nearly crawling out of my skin with sugar cravings. Drank water, had a piece of gum and made it through. But goodness that convenience store across the street was calling my name!!

Personally, I'm learning to be me a little more on the outside. I hesitated on something today and a friend called me out on it. It was refreshing because I almost never allow anyone to really get to know me. Baby steps. 😊

Here it is.

This blog will serve as a personal journal of my journey to finding myself. 2016 was a good year for me. Professionally I thrived and had the biggest income of my life. Personally, I spent more time focusing on my family and building memories with them, and I also found my passion for the community I live in. Not bad, all in all.

I made great strides into finding out who I am. But the thing always nagging at me is my health. I have a serious addiction to sugar. I know now that what I suffer from isn't a whole lot different than a drug or alcohol addiction. I wake up in the morning thinking about food. I eat at my desk all day long, go home, eat dinner, and then think about food until bedtime. I DREAM ABOUT JUNK FOOD. All the while I'm justifying to myself why I DESERVE this. I work hard, so yeah, I can eat that entire box of Hostess Cupcakes in one sitting. I've eaten fairly healthy lately, sure, I can binge on Pepsi and M&Ms. It doesn't faze me. I can eat as much as I want and never feel sick.

Yesterday I ended up in the ER with chest pain. I've struggled with my health and weight for as long as I can remember. The ONLY time I feel good is when I'm eating right and exercising. Shocking, right? But then the candy calls me...

Looking at me, I'm average. I'm your middle of the road size 12. Nothing really spectacular about me one way or the other.

What I'm learning is, my body does not like being at this weight. My cravings LOVE it. My stomach expands to hold all of that junk. But then I have extreme cramping in my legs, I don't sleep, I get the chest pains, and the panic attacks start because I'm so terrified of leaving my girls behind without a mom. And oh my goodness, do they love me. They love me SO much more than I deserve.

So this is the beginning. I'm laying it all out there. I really don't have a goal in mind for weight loss. This isn't a diet or an exercise program. This is me, starting to look at my habits and see where I can make small changes to get me to a place where I can be free. Where I don't have to have my husband take 50 photos of me before I will begrudgingly approve one. Where that angle doesn't have to be just-so and my hand on my hip to minimize the arm flab. What kind of life am I living when I'm consumed with the cravings and bingeing and can barely play with my babies??

This is me from a few weeks ago. We had just had the vacation of a lifetime with our kids on a Disney Cruise. I LOVE Disney. And yeah, I indulged in some ice cream. I also was a horrible grump most of the trip because I was exhausted and angry with myself for not being in good shape so I could actively participate in activities with my kids. My MIL took this pic of me as I was getting out of the car at the airport without me knowing. I had no time to get the pose down. LOL But I do remember that moment, thinking about how much my body hurt, how out of breath I was CLIMBING OUT OF A CAR and how awkward I felt. No grace, I just felt like a big lumbering ball that stumbled my way to the pavement.

I'm done. I'm just done feeling this way. I'm tired of being paranoid. I'm tired of literally killing myself with food.